Defusing from the "Broken" Story of the Self-Critic
For many of us, whether we’re neurodivergent or neurotypical, the world provides a constant stream of evidence that they are failing. Whether we miss a deadline, experience a sensory meltdown, or misinterpret someone else’s intentions, the mind is quick to weave these threads into a heavy, suffocating blanket. our story becomes one that tells us we are broken.
This story whispers that this isn’t just about struggle and suffering. You are fundamentally flawed. But what if that voice isn't the objective truth? What if it’s just a sequence of words like a noisy radio station you don’t have to tune into?
Enter Cognitive Defusion
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we use a process called Cognitive Defusion. In the usual way of things we can become fused to our thoughts and feelings. If the thought says "I am a failure for being overwhelmed”, and the feelings feel too intense, we believe we’re a failure. We see the world through the lens of that thought.
Our brain has a bias that keeps us locked into that belief. Everything that has ever happened, will ever happen and is going on around us now is seen through the lens of being a failure.
Defusion is the act of stepping back. It’s the difference between:
Fusion: "I am a failure."
Defusion: "I am noticing that a part of me is having the thought that I am a failure."
By adding that layer of distance, the thought loses some of its power to dictate your reality. It becomes just another mental event, like a cloud passing through the sky or a pop-up ad on a website. Mildly annoying, but not devastating.
Externalising the Critic Through Rhythm
Another beautiful way to support that defusion practice is to use a somatic practice with rhythm. Many brains, especially neurodivergent ones, process information more effectively when it is moved from the abstract (thoughts) to the physical (sensation). To truly defuse from a harsh inner critic, we can turn its words into something external and audible.
The Drumming Exercise
You don’t need a professional drum for this. A tabletop, your thighs, or a plastic container will work perfectly.
Identify the Broken Mantra: Pick a specific thought that has been looping (such as, "Why can't I just be normal?")
Translate to Rhythm: Tap out the syllables of that thought.
Why-can't-I-just-be-nor-mal? (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7).
Play with the Sound: mess around with it, making it as fun as possible
Drum it very loudly
Drum it as a tiny whisper
Drum it in a silly, syncopated jazz rhythm
Observe the Shift: As you drum, notice how the "truth" of the statement starts to dissolve. It is no longer a devastating personal indictment. it’s just a series of vibrations hitting a surface.
The Goal: This is the important bit. You aren't trying to make the thought go away. You are simply changing your relationship to it. You are the drummer; the thought is just the beat.
Moving Toward What Matters
When you stop fighting the broken story, you free up an immense amount of energy. Instead of spending your day arguing with your inner critic - which, let’s face it, you’ll never win - you can ask: “Now that I’ve put that thought on the table, what do I actually want to do right now?”
Whether that’s resting to recover from sensory overload or engaging in a special interest, you are no longer doing it as a broken person. Instead, you’re doing it as a person who simply has a noisy mind.
This can lead to greater acceptance and compassion for who you are and how your brain works. And can help you continue to move towards what matters to you instead of being trapped by your own thoughts.
If you’re interested in working one to one with me, check out my therapeutic coaching pages.
I also offer a weekly yoga and meditation class that helps us reconnect with the body, becoming more attuned and aligned with what truly matters to us. You can get more info and sign up below.
