The Importance of Sibling Bonds in the Chaos of ND Struggles
In my upcoming book, Little Bird, I explore the pain I see every day in my clinic as families navigate the complexities of a medical model that wasn’t designed for neurodivergent people. That constantly tells us that we are failing, we are broken, and need to be fixed.
I wrote this as part lived experience, and part sharing the themes that come up in my clinic with my clients. I needed a creative outlet to express the frustration I feel in my own body.
In Little Bird, twelve year old Jake is the only one who truly sees his sister’s struggles for what they really are. Often, younger children especially are discounted, their views not included in an effort to protect them from the strain the rest of the family is experiencing.
Today’s article explores how to support siblings to retain their bond, even when things are really tough at home.
Low Demand Presence
In homes like the one in Little Bird, the air is often full of silent tension as the exhaustion of navigating a system that demands proof of struggle before it offers help weighs on parents.
While the parents are stuck on the phone or buried in medical paperwork, the siblings are left in a unique and sometimes lonely orbit. Jake and Olivia show us that when the system turns a child into a case file or a list of symptoms, a sibling is often the only one who keeps them human.
It is important to try to nurture this connection. Families can look for strategies that prioritise the relationship over the crisis.
One of the most effective ways siblings can stay connected is through the practice of low demand presence. When Olivia is lying inert in her room, Jake doesn't ask her to explain her feelings or perform a task for a therapist. He simply exists in the space with her.
In neurodivergent households, the pressure to be performing or improving is constant. By allowing siblings to engage in parallel play - sitting in the same room while doing separate activities - the household creates a zone where no one is being evaluated. This tells the struggling sibling that they are worthy of company even when they have no energy to give.
When Words Are Lost
Building a toolbox of non-verbal rituals is another way to bypass the overwhelm. In the story, Jake understands the physical needs Olivia cannot voice, like the simple necessity of a cracker or a glass of water. These small, tangible acts of care become a secret language.
Siblings sometimes develop their own codes, such as a specific rhythm of knocking on a bedroom door, leaving a small object like a smooth stone on a pillow, or using hand signals to communicate when a room is too loud.
These gestures provide a sense of agency and connection that the medical or educational system cannot touch.
Drop The Shield
It is also important to acknowledge the shared reality of the household. Often, parents try to shield children from the stress of fighting the system, but children like Jake see everything from the stairs. When siblings are allowed to honestly acknowledge the chaos, noting when the house feels loud today or that the adults seem stressed, it prevents the feeling of being gaslighted by a forced sense of normalcy.
This shared honesty creates an unspoken pact of trust within the family unit. They become allies in a world that is often confusing or inaccessible to young people. It helps them feel safe when their surroundings are anything but.
The Sanctuary Of Home
Finally, creating a shared sanctuary that is strictly off limits to the system is essential. This could be a shared interest in a specific game, a fictional universe, or a physical hiding spot that is free from talk of diagnoses or school progress.
In these spaces, the children are not a patient and a witness, they are just two people who belong to each other. By guarding these small pockets of ordinary life, siblings like Jake and Olivia ensure that their identity is rooted in their bond rather than their struggle with the world outside their door.
If you want to know when Little Bird is released and how to order your copy, sign up to my mailing list below. You’ll get a free copy of the companion poem to Little Bird and a beautiful, relaxing meditation to listen and follow along to.
Warmly, Claire x
