Cultivating Self-Compassion in Times of Shame
Shame and low self-worth are heavy companions. They whisper that we’re not enough, that our mistakes define us, and that asking for help is a sign of weakness or that help cannot be trusted and comes with conditions.
These messages live not only in our thoughts but in our bodies, creating those feelings of sore shoulders, shallow breath, a tight chest.
Fortunately, compassionate self-talk is a skill that can be learned. When paired with gentle somatic awareness, it becomes a powerful pathway to healing.
Today, I explore a set of approaches to help you soften into compassion.
1. Distinguish Shame from Guilt
Understanding the difference is the first step toward freedom.
Guilt says: “I did something wrong.” It points to behaviour and invites repair.
Shame says: “I am wrong.” It attacks identity and encourages hiding.
The Practice: When shame arises, name it. You can say the actual words: “This is shame.” Naming creates a micro-distance between your identity and the emotion, reducing its power.
2. Notice the Body First
Shame often shows up physically. It’s that feeling of a sinking heart, heat rising up your neck and face, or a visceral need to avoid eye contact. Before arguing with the thoughts, track the sensation:
Slow your breath for six to eight cycles.
Soften your jaw (make a gap between your upper and lower teeth) and consciously drop your shoulders.
Self-Touch: Place a hand where you feel the sensation (heart, belly, or throat) and notice the warmth. These actions signal safety to your nervous system, making compassionate words easier to hear.
3. Language That Soothes, Not Judges
Replace harsh inner critics with steady, supportive phrases. If a positive affirmation feels fake and forced, or gives you the ick, try a bridge statement that feels more believable:
Instead of: “I’m useless,” Try: “I did my best with the tools I had at the time.”
Instead of: “I always mess up,” Try: “I am learning. I’m having a human moment.”
Instead of: “I don’t deserve kindness,” Try: “I am open to the possibility of being kind to myself.”
4. Practice Internal Curiosity
Instead of fighting your inner critic, which never works, use an Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach. Recognise that this critical voice is a protector trying their very best to keep you from being rejected by others.
Ask it: “What are you trying to protect me from?” This is the key to understanding why this voice is so harsh to you.
Ask it: “How old do you feel right now?” This will help you to understand whether this really is an adult part of you, or if in fact this is a very young part of you.
Acknowledge it: “I see you are trying to keep me safe, but I’ve got this now.”
5. Grounding and Sensory Anchors
Grounding pulls you out of the spiral of shame and back into the present moment. You can try one of these:
The Orientation Technique: Let your gaze land on something you find truly beautiful in your surroundings. Describe it in detail to yourself and let yourself feel the appreciation for this wonderful object.
Weighted Contact: Stand with your feet rooted and feel your weight deeply in contact with the floor. You can also imagine roots growing from the soles of your feet, anchoring you and giving you stability.
Texture: Hold a stone, a piece of fabric, or a cold glass of water and describe the sensation of how they feel in detail.
6. Use Somatic Resourcing
Since shame makes us want to shrink or disappear, use your body to reclaim space:
The "Voo" Breath: Take a deep breath, then exhale slowly while making a low-frequency "Vooo" sound. This vibrates the vagus nerve and switches off the fight or flight response.
Expand Your Posture: Gently lift your chin and open your collarbones. Allow your shoulders to broaden and your spine to lengthen. You aren't faking confidence; you are physically contradicting the slump of shame.
Peripheral Vision: Soften your gaze and try to see the edges of the room. This signals to the brain that there is no immediate threat.
7. Seek Safe Relational Repair
Shame thrives in isolation and dies in connection. Reach for relationships where you are seen and accepted for exactly who you are today.
Share the Shadow: Share a small, honest piece of your struggle with a trusted friend.
Accept Connection: Let someone listen without trying to fix you. Experiencing acceptance while feeling flawed is the ultimate antidote to shame.
A Final Thought: Self-compassion is not about being perfect. It’s about how you relate to yourself when things aren't perfect. It is a daily practice of returning to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a dear friend.
If you are struggling with feelings of shame, and you’d like support to navigate them, you can work with me one to one, or join one of my group classes to support integration and flexibility of the nervous system. You can book a free consultation with me to find out more.
