Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: What Your Nervous System Is Trying to Tell You
Survival responses, often referred to as the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions, are instinctual mechanisms that prepare our bodies to respond to perceived threats. They are not under our control and can be triggered by emotional wounds and trauma.
Understanding how these responses show up is crucial for recognising how they impact our daily lives and relationships.
Note: a blended state as I discuss below, is where we are still centred in our ventral vagal state, that is, present and connected, but we have some blending with sympathetic or dorsal vagal state. This is how our bodies naturally function to allow us to exercise and sleep.
Fight Response
The fight response is characterised by aggression when we’re activated into a sympathetic nervous system response, or assertiveness when we’re in a blended state.
In daily life, this can show up as irritability when faced with minor inconveniences or conflicts especially if we are stuck in hypervigilance. In relationships, it may lead to confrontations or arguments. These challenges are often fuelled by unresolved issues or past traumas.
You may feel like you’re struggling to manage your anger, reacting disproportionately to situations that trigger your nervous system.
The message: there is something in your past that you fear and needs healing that current situations are triggering.
Flight Response
The flight response drives you to avoid or escape perceived danger.
This can show up as procrastination, avoidance, or withdrawal from challenging situations or relationships. In daily life, you might find yourself avoiding difficult conversations or tasks. You may find yourself deeply ruminating on them, though, replaying or rehearsing conversations or situations to try and work out what to do or say. This can lead to increased stress and anxiety.
In relationships, it could result in emotional distance, where you may feel compelled to disengage rather than confront issues head-on.
The message: there could be shame underneath this response which can be too uncomfortable for you to explore.
Freeze Response
The freeze response is associated with paralysis or inaction in the face of threat. It occurs when other options are not available because the threat feels too big, or they haven’t worked. Here we are teetering on the edge of hyperarousal and into more of a dorsal vagal response.
In daily life, this can present as indecisiveness or feeling overwhelmed by choices. You may feel stuck in routines that no longer serve you, unable to make changes due to a sense of helplessness.
In relationships, this may look like shutting down emotionally or physically, leaving a partner feeling neglected or unimportant.
The message: as with the fight response, fear is at the root of this response. A fear that taking any action will make things worse.
Fawn Response
The fawn response involves people-pleasing behaviours that have the aim or securing safety and avoiding conflict. This is more of a dorsal vagal parasympathetic response.
In daily life, this can show up as difficulty asserting boundaries or prioritising personal needs. You may feel driven to go along with others’ wishes, sacrificing your own desires and wellbeing.
In relationships, this can lead to imbalance, where one partner’s needs are consistently prioritised over the other, often resulting in resentment and dissatisfaction that bubbles under the surface.
The message: in the past, it was safer for you to avoid conflict. Or you may have been stuck between two other people in conflict (quite often parents or caregivers) and took the role of peacemaker.
Integration and Healing
The first step towards healing is always gaining a deeper understanding and appreciation of these survival responses. By understanding how they influence your thoughts and behaviours, you can begin to make conscious choices that support your wellbeing.
It should also be noted that all these responses are completely natural, normal and essential reactions our bodies undergo multiple times a day. Our nervous system is designed to shift through states constantly. It’s only when we get stuck in hyper or hypo arousal states that we have a problem.
This awareness is vital in creating healthier relationships and managing daily stressors. Through a somatic approach, you can learn to listen to your body’s signals, allowing you to notice and understand how trauma and chronic anxiety from the past are showing up in the present. Embracing this journey of self-discovery can empower you to reclaim control over your life and form deeper connections with others.
Survival responses rooted in your nervous system and related to our attachment style (which I’ll go into in another post), can reveal themselves in various ways in life and relationships. When faced with perceived threats, whether real or imagined, these responses can trigger reactions that influence your thoughts, behaviours, and connections with others.
Fight Response: In relationships, this can appear as defensiveness or aggression. When someone feels attacked or vulnerable, they may react by verbally lashing out or becoming argumentative. They are attempting to assert control which helps them feel safer. This can create a cycle of conflict, leading to miscommunication and further emotional distance.
Flight Response: This response looks like withdrawal or avoidance. Someone might disengage from conversations or difficult situations, fearing confrontation or emotional pain. This can lead to feelings of isolation, causing partners to feel neglected or unvalued, ultimately straining the relationship.
Freeze Response: In some cases, people become emotionally numb or immobilised when faced with stress. This can cause a partner to feel unheard or frustrated as one person may seem unresponsive to emotional cues or needs. The freeze response can create an emotional barrier, making it difficult for relationships to flourish.
Fawn Response: Some people may employ people-pleasing behaviours to avoid conflict or maintain harmony. While this might seem beneficial in the short term, it often leads to a lack of authenticity and resentment over time. Partners may struggle to understand each other’s true feelings, creating an imbalance in the relationship.
Again, I will stress that these responses are not conscious choices. They come about due to attachment styles from when we were preverbal or very young children, from the modelling we perceived from our caregivers, societal biases and conditioning and from traumatic experiences.
Bringing awareness to these responses and how and when they show up is the key to leading a happier and more fulfilling life. It isn’t the end of the process, but rather the start of a beautiful journey of self-discovery.
If you are interested in working one to one to understand your survival responses and how they are working hard to try to keep you safe, then drop me an email to claire@harmonyhealingservices.co.uk or book a free consultation using the button below.
