Grief. Why it’s so hard to sit with deep sadness
Grief is a complex emotional response to loss, particularly the death of a loved one. Although it can also arise from any significant life change or loss, such as the end of a relationship, loss of health, or loss of a job.
It encompasses a range of feelings, including sadness, anger, confusion, and even relief, and can show itself physically, mentally, and socially. There is no right or wrong when it comes to grief and mourning a big change in your life.
The Stages of Grief
Grief is not a linear process; it is unique to each of us and can influence our thoughts, behaviours, and overall wellbeing. While the stages of grief, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are well documented, these stages do not necessarily occur in a specific order or timeframe.
One beautiful phrase I heard once about grief is that it never really goes away, but that our lives grow around it. I think this offers a more profound, reflective sense of grief, and allows us to embrace each aspect of it, whenever and however they occur.
Image source: https://mediocremeanderings.com/2018/05/02/grief/
The duration and intensity of grief can vary greatly depending on our relationship with what was lost, our coping mechanisms, and our support network. You may hear me talk about resources and this is what I mean by that; the people around us, the values we hold, and our connection to Self are all resources we draw upon through grief.
It is essential to allow ourselves to feel and process grief, as the feeling of our emotions plays a vital role in healing and moving forward. Support from friends, family, or professionals can be beneficial in navigating this challenging experience, providing a safe space for expression and compassionate understanding.
What Happens When We Grieve
Grief is a natural response to loss, encompassing a range of emotions that arise when we experience separation from someone or something we hold very dear to us, or very close to our heart.
This process is rooted in our deep connections to people, relationships, our pets, and even aspects of our identity, like our job, our health, our bodies, our sense of Self.
The reasons we grieve can be varied and complex:
Attachment: As human beings we form strong attachments throughout our lives. When these connections are severed, whether through death, separation, or even changes in circumstances, the emotional impact can be profound.
Identity: Loss can challenge our sense of Self. For instance, losing a loved one may alter our role within a family or community, prompting a reevaluation of who we are. Grieving allows us to process these shifts and find a new balance in our identity.
Emotional Expression: Grief is a means to express the pain and sadness that accompany loss. It serves as a release for pent-up feelings, providing an outlet for emotions that might otherwise remain unacknowledged. This expression can aid in coping and healing.
Processing Change: Grief helps us navigate the changes that come with loss. It encourages us to confront reality, process our feelings, and ultimately adapt to a new way of living. This journey can be necessary for personal growth and resilience. Although it is bloody hard.
Connection to Memories: Grief often brings our memories and experiences to the forefront, allowing us to reflect on the significance of what has been lost. This process can help us honour and cherish those connections even though it can be painful to remember those connections we’ve lost.
Cultural and Social Factors: The ways we grieve can be influenced by cultural practices and societal expectations. These frameworks guide how we express our grief and seek support from others, highlighting the communal nature of loss. Essentially, grieving together brings healing through connection and sharing.
Grief serves as a vital mechanism for processing loss, allowing us to navigate our emotions, reassess our identities, and honour the connections that shape our lives. It is a deeply personal journey that varies from one individual to another, reflecting the unique nature of our relationships and experiences.
Space to Mourn
Giving ourself space to mourn is a crucial aspect of the healing process. Mourning is not just an emotional reaction, it’s a significant part of acknowledging loss and allowing ourselves to experience the depth of that feeling. This time allows for the integration of emotions, helping to understand how the loss impacts our life and identity.
Taking time to mourn offers an opportunity to process grief in a safe and supportive environment. It encourages self-reflection and promotes a deeper connection to our own thoughts and feelings. This space facilitates the necessary emotional discharge, enabling us to release sorrow without suppressing it.
Suppression of our emotions is a kind of immobilisation. And immobilisation is what leads to chronic anxiety and unresolved trauma. So even though it is a deeply painful experience, holding space for ourselves to feel our emotions through loss is crucial to our health.
By granting ourselves the grace to feel and express our pain, we honour our emotions and validate our experience. This practice can also strengthen resilience, as confronting and working through grief can help with personal growth and transformation. Although go steady with this, there is no right or wrong about how long the grieving process takes.
Allowing yourself the space to mourn is essential for genuine healing. Grieving brings closure, helping us find our pathway forward with greater understanding and compassion for ourselves. Prioritising this process is not just an act of self-care but an investment in long-term emotional health and wellbeing.
Self-Care Through Grief
Grieving is a deeply personal and often overwhelming experience. Caring for yourself during this time is essential to giving yourself that space and time to process your emotions.
Here are some strategies you can try, adapting them to your own personal choices and preferences.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions that arise. It is natural to experience sadness, anger, numbness, confusion, or even relief. Validating your feelings and sensations can be an important step in the healing process.
2. Create or Keep a Routine
Establishing routine can provide stability through emotional turmoil. Include simple daily tasks such as speaking to a friend, spending time with your family, meals, rest, and gentle movement. This structure can help you feel grounded.
3. Stay Connected
Reach out to supportive friends or family members. Sharing your feelings with others who understand can alleviate feelings of isolation. If you’re not ready to talk, consider writing in a journal as a way to express your thoughts and emotions.
Try not to shut yourself away from people, even if this feels like what you want to do. Reach out through a text message if you can’t speak in person or on the phone.
4. Allow Yourself to Rest
Grief can be exhausting, both mentally and physically. Listen to your body and give yourself permission to rest as needed. Sleep is crucial during this time and can facilitate healing, although you may find it is difficult to come by. Speak to your GP if you are struggling with sleeping.
Somatic practices like gentle yoga or EFT tapping before bed can help with sleep. Please get in touch if you’d like some advice in this area.
6. Limit Stressors
Identify and minimise sources of stress in your life. It may be wise to postpone major life decisions or commitments, or big work projects, until you feel more able to tackle them. For some people, focusing on work can help them feel like they’re coping. However, this can be a form of dissociation because we can end up using work as a way of not feeling.
So just be careful if you find yourself saying to people you just want to stay busy, or that being busy is helpful. You might be pushing down your feelings which is entirely understandable because grief is so, so hard.
7. Seek Professional Support
Consider engaging with a therapist who understands grief and can offer tools to help you navigate this challenging time. Somatic therapy, in particular, can help you connect with your body and process your emotions on a deeper level. Please reach out if you’d like support.
8. Enjoy Moments of Joy
While it may feel difficult, or even disloyal, allow yourself to experience moments of joy or laughter. Engaging in activities you once enjoyed can provide a necessary release and a reminder of life beyond grief.
This is why memorial services are so important. A collective sharing of memories, thinking about what we loved about our loved ones, how they made us laugh is very special and part of healing.
It can be more difficult when it is you that has changed, in relation to a health concern, operation, or change in identity. In this instance, I would recommend working with a professional to process the grief and start to work towards identifying what you can learn to love about your new Self.
9. Honour Your Loved One
Find meaningful ways to remember and celebrate the life of the person you've lost. This could be through rituals, creating a memory book, or participating in activities they enjoyed.
10. Be Patient with Yourself
Grieving is not linear, and everyone experiences it differently. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate your feelings and give yourself time to heal.
Remember, it’s alright to seek help and prioritise your wellbeing as you journey through grief. And it is a journey. You will one day feel better. Your life will have grown around the grief, bringing you richness and fulfilment despite what you have lost.
Sending love
Claire x
