A Gentle Introduction to Parts Work In Family Life
The Parts of You That Argue
Have you ever noticed that you can want two opposite things at once? Part of you longs to be close to your mother, and part of you bristles the moment she calls. Part of you wants to be a patient parent, and part of you snaps before you have even decided to. If this sounds familiar, you are not inconsistent and you are not broken. You are, like all of us, made of parts.
This is the heart of Internal Family Systems, or IFS, a way of working that I return to again and again with the women I see, because it is so kind and so clarifying, especially inside the tangle of family relationships.
We are all a family on the inside
IFS begins with a simple and quietly radical idea: The mind is not one single voice. It is more like an internal family, made up of many parts, each with its own feelings, its own history, and its own job to do. Some parts are protective and step forward when we feel threatened. Some parts are young and carry old hurts. And underneath all of them is a calm, steady core, what IFS calls the Self, which cannot be damaged and is always there, even when it is hard to reach.
None of these parts are bad. Even the ones that cause us trouble, the part that lashes out, the part that goes silent, the part that criticises, are trying to help in the only way they know how. They usually learned their jobs a long time ago, often in childhood, when they were genuinely needed.
Why this changes everything with family
Family is where our parts get loud. The people who knew us first tend to activate the parts of us that formed first. That is why you can be a competent, grounded adult in every other area of your life and still feel like a defensive teenager the moment you walk into your parents' kitchen. And because our romantic relationships often mirror the relationships we had with our parents or that were modelled for us, it can be incredibly triggering when our partner says or does something that activates a core wound from childhood.
When you understand this, something loosens. Instead of thinking, I am being childish and I hate it, you can notice, a young part of me has just been triggered, and it makes sense that it has. That small shift, from being the reaction to noticing the reaction, is where change begins.
A first step you can try
Next time you feel a strong charge with someone you love, pause and try naming it as a part. Not: I am furious, but a part of me is furious. Not: I am hurt, but a part of me is hurt.
This is not a trick to talk yourself out of the feeling. It is a way of making room for it without being swallowed by it. When you can turn towards an angry or frightened part with a little curiosity instead of shame, you begin to lead from that calmer core rather than from the part that is in pain. And a person leading from that steadier place has far more choice about how they respond to the people they love.
This work takes time and it is tender. But it is some of the most freeing work I know, because it lets you stay close to your family without losing yourself in the process.
If you are interesting in trying a nervous system first, somatic parts work approach to healing before committing to therapy, you can purchase my Soft Landing Programme. More information below. It’s just £19 for lifetime access.
