How to create self-love and why it can be hard to do

Self-love means how we feel about our own wellbeing and happiness. It involves recognising our worth and embracing ourself with compassion, acceptance, and kindness.

Self-love is not just a concept. It also encompasses a range of practices and feelings that build up to a healthy, positive relationship with ourself.

At its core, self-love means treating ourself with the same respect and care we would offer a dear, much-loved friend. This includes acknowledging and addressing our personal needs. It includes setting healthy boundaries. And possibly most importantly, speaking to ourselves kindly and in a supportive way.

It is about acknowledging and forgiving ourselves for past mistakes, celebrating achievements, and understanding our emotions without judgement.

Yet it can be incredibly hard to do these things. So let’s read on to find out more.

Why Self Love Is Important

Practising self-love can improve mental health and overall life satisfaction. It encourages us to do things that pro help us grow, find fulfilment. Like pursuing our passions, nurturing relationships that are important to us, and prioritising looking after our physical body.

In our journey towards healing, self-love becomes an essential element. It allows us to understand ourselves on a deep level, helping us form a beautiful relation and connection to our different parts and Self energy. By prioritising self-love, we can truly heal holistically, where mind and body work in harmony.

Then Why Is It So Hard?

Loving ourselves can be challenging for several reasons. Firstly, societal expectations and norms, social media, magazines from back in the day, even the news and TV shows create a culture of comparison. We are constantly exposed to ideals of beauty, success, and happiness that can make us feel inadequate or undeserving.

The level of bombardment we get on socials in particular is relentless. Even going online for a short time can feel very overwhelming. And since the algorithm just keeps spewing out the same stuff at us day after day, it is easy to fall into a hole of seeing the same messages leading to a sense that we are doing something wrong, or we are not enough simply as we are.

This comparison can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth, making it difficult to embrace who we truly are.

Secondly, past experiences and traumas can shape our self-perception. Negative childhood experiences, criticism, or lack of support can imprint damaging beliefs about ourselves, leading to a struggle in recognising our worth. These beliefs may linger unconsciously, impacting how we treat ourselves in the present.

This is what we work so hard on in therapeutic sessions. Looking at our parts and how they’ve been created and shaped by our early life experiences. And how we can become more appreciative of the role they’ve been playing to protect us. And help us heal the wounds of our past.

Additionally, many, many of us battle with perfectionism and people pleasing. I would say 90% of the people I work with have some form of perfectionist or people pleasing parts. And that trying to maintain the need to satisfy these parts leads to burnout and exhaustion.

The unconscious drive to meet unattainable standards can create feelings of failure, causing us to feel unworthy of love unless we achieve certain goals or conform to specific ideals.

It’s a double edge sword that never relents. And is impossible for us to achieve. Because inevitably if we do end up reaching the goal, the goal has moved. There is never a sense of ‘getting there’. What we need to do instead of become aware of this part of us. And understand why it feels it needs to do this role. What is it protecting us from? Then we can become mindful of these patterns, heal the wound inside, and move forward to becoming a little less critical of ourselves.

Cultural and familial influences can also play a significant role. In some families, self-criticism and constant striving and achievement is valued over self-acceptance and rest. Expressing love for ourselves may be labelled as narcissistic or self-indulgent. This conditioning can create internal conflict, where we feel guilt or shame for wanting to prioritise our own wellbeing.

Lastly, many of us lack the tools or understanding of how to develop self-love. It can be difficult to change ingrained patterns of thought and behaviour without guidance or support. Developing a nurturing relationship with ourself takes time, patience, and often requires confronting uncomfortable emotions and experiences. And that is incredibly difficult.

We also need to develop an honest awareness and acceptance of who we are — strengths and challenges. And it can be hard to look at parts of us that have been shamed. As much as it can be hard to see our strengths due to the conditioning and wounding we’ve experienced.

Recognising these barriers is the first step towards overcoming them. By exploring the connection between the mind and body, we can begin to unpack these challenges and gradually build a healthier, more loving relationship with ourselves.

How to Create Self-Love

Here are a few tips for creating a loving relationship with yourself.

1. Practice Self-Compassion
   Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your feelings without judgement and remind yourself that it is normal to experience imperfections and setbacks.

2. Establish Healthy Boundaries
   Learn to say no with kindness and learn what a boundary really is. These are for you to establish to define what you will and won’t accept. And the consequence if someone is unable to respect your boundary or interact with you in ways that go against your values. They are not about influencing someone else’s behaviour or expecting them to behave in a particular way for your comfort. A boundary doesn’t limit someone else. Or blame them for your feelings, emotions and reactions. But they do protect your energy, values, and interactions.

3. Engage in Self-Care
   Dedicate time to activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit. This can include exercise, healthy eating, adequate rest, meditation, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. They do not have to be limited to bubble baths and massages. If you love running marathons, playing football, or doing jigsaws, that is your self-care!

4. Challenge Negative Self-Talk
   Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself. If you find yourself being overly critical, think about what narrative that is reinforcing in your mind. Your brain believes the stories you tell it. Instead, replace critical thoughts with more positive or realistic affirmations. Journaling can also help in identifying and transforming these thoughts.

5. Cultivate Mindfulness
   Practise being present in the moment. Mindfulness techniques can enhance your self-awareness and help you to connect with your feelings in a non-reactive way. Mindfulness creates distance from your thoughts so you can get a different perspective.

6. Celebrate Your Achievements
   Acknowledge and celebrate even the small successes in your life. This reinforces a positive self-image and helps to cultivate gratitude for your personal journey. It can also be helpful to journal what success really means for you to shed societal expectations and comparison. Success is not just about job title, salary, how many followers you have, how calm you remain in adversity, or how perfect your house looks. Success is as much about connections with the people you love, being truly you as often as you can, and doing activities with people you love and who love you.

7. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
   Build a network of friends and colleagues who uplift and encourage you. Distance yourself from relationships that bring negativity or diminish your self-worth.

8. Explore Your Passions
   Engage in activities that ignite your passion and creativity. The stuff that you can get lost in. Immersed in. Or do with friends. Or by yourself. Stuff that nurtures and nourishes you on a deep, soul-level. This can develop into a profound soul appreciation for yourself and your unique talents.

9. Reflect on Your Values
   Identify what is truly important to you and align your life choices with those values. Living authentically can enhance your sense of self-worth.

10. Seek Professional Support if Needed
    If self-love feels unattainable, consider speaking with a therapist or coach. Professional guidance can provide valuable tools to aid your journey towards self-acceptance.

Incorporating these practices into your life can lay the groundwork for a deeper sense of self-love and acceptance. A richer and more appreciative sense of who you are and what is important to you. A beautiful relationship with your most important person…you.