Mandatory Merriment: When We Don’t Feel Festive
This time of year can be really hard. There’s this sense of celebration and forced jollity but what if you’ve had a really difficult year? Or some recent bad news? Or you just don’t enjoy all the socialising and pressure to ‘be on form’?
Every Monday through December I will be sharing some thoughts on how to navigate the holiday season with compassion for yourself. With some honest takes on why this time of year can suck, and what to do about it. On Wednesdays and Fridays my usual tips and guides on nervous system and emotional regulation will be available as additional resources to keep yourself centred this December.
The air is crisp, the lights are twinkling, and the sound of holiday music that’s been blaring out obnoxiously since September continues to instruct us that it is the "most wonderful time of the year." We are told, through a relentless barrage of advertising and social media feeds, that we must be feeling jolly, festive, and profoundly grateful.
But what if you're not?
For millions, the holidays are not a time of pure bliss. They are a period of intense financial strain, amplified grief, complex family dynamics, and profound loneliness. This year, following a period of sustained global and personal difficulty for so many, the pressure to wear a mask of festive cheer is heavier than ever, leading to a significant sense of cognitive dissonance, the uncomfortable state of holding conflicting thoughts or beliefs.
When External Pressure Conflicts with Internal State
We live in a world where the holiday experience is an aggressively marketed ideal. Every commercial shows a perfect, laughing family unwrapping luxury gifts. Every influencer posts a flawless mantelpiece and a spread of gourmet food. This external pressure acts as a ‘jollity’ measure, constantly pushing us towards desiring a mandatory state of happiness that may feel completely jarring with our reality.
This mismatch is where a very real and deep psychological toll starts.
It’s a burden - an unnecessary demand - during this time of year that we achieve some level of perfection. The constant and very intense marketing creates a sense of Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), of competition. That if we aren’t getting the perfect gift, making the perfect memories, and all having a happy, jolly time with delicious food, perfectly crafted we are somehow failing ourselves and our families.
But the reality is, some of us are navigating profound loss. We are estranged from parents. Have very surface level relationships with siblings. Haven’t spoken to our children properly in years. Don’t have the financial means to create perfection. Are lonely. Are managing a hidden disability. Have a rocky romantic relationship or are even dealing with domestic abuse. Which all the alcohol makes even worse.
There are a million other reasons why many of us are not feeling festive, happy, or grateful.
Then there is this demand to put on a performance of happiness. Extra effort spent smiling at parties, feigning enthusiasm over a gift, or writing a cheery social media post. It’s all extremely depleting. It prevents us from processing the true feelings we need to acknowledge and address.
Permission to Drop the Act
The most important truth to embrace this season is this: You have permission to feel whatever you feel.
Grief doesn't disappear just because a carol is playing. Stress over money doesn't vanish with a flash of tinsel. Loneliness can be most acute when you see the whole world gathering together. These feelings are valid, normal, and necessary to move through.
Instead of fighting them, try giving yourself emotional permission to embrace the quiet reality:
You don't have to force cheer. A quiet night in with a mug of tea is a perfectly acceptable holiday celebration.
Acknowledge the grief. Give a moment to the person or experience you miss. Suppressing it won't make the pain go away; acknowledging it allows you to move forward gently.
Validate the stress. It's okay to feel overwhelmed by the logistics or the cost. You are a human being, not a festive machine.
The most healing thing you can do is lower the emotional bar. Aim for authentic presence instead of manufactured perfection if you can. And if you manage to feel even a moment of genuine connection or peacefulness, that is a success.
Advice for Setting Boundaries
But how do you protect your peace when the world is ringing a bell for cheer? Boundaries are your most powerful tool. They allow you to participate in the season on your own terms, managing your energy and protecting your mental health.
Here are some tips to help you navigate this. Remember, a boundary is about what you want to and can do/tolerate, not about controlling the actions of responses of other people. A boundary is where we meet.
(Please also remember that if you are dealing with a domestic violence situation setting boundaries can be very difficult and you may need professional help. I’ve popped some useful emergency numbers at the bottom of this article.)
Mute the Festive ‘Noise’
Mute specific festive hashtags or keywords on social media.
Temporarily hide posts from highly performative friends.
Turn off holiday music in your home and car.
Why it Works: Reduces exposure to the external pressure that triggers feelings of inadequacy.
Use a ‘Gentle No’
Decline invitations that feel obligatory, stressful, or too demanding of your emotional energy.
Use simple phrases like, ‘Thank you so much, but I'll need to pass this year.’ There’s no need for a detailed excuse.
Why it Works: Protects your finite social and emotional energy. You retain your resources for things that truly matter to you.
Set a Time Limit
If you must attend an event, pre-determine a clear leaving time
Tell the host when you arrive.
Why it Works: Provides a clear exit strategy and reduces performance anxiety by knowing there is an end is in sight instead of it feeling like an endless evening.
Create a New Tradition
Replace an old, stressful tradition with a new, low-demand, and meaningful one, especially if you're grieving. (For example, instead of having a big gathering, write thoughtful letters to the people you love).
Why it Works: Allows you to bypass painful memories or stress points and build a celebration that actually serves your current emotional needs.
This holiday season, let go of the pressure to be the star in a festive movie. Simply focus on being present with yourself. Give yourself the gift of honesty, gentleness, and permission to experience the season exactly as it comes to you.
If you are experiencing a challenging time this year, there are emergency helplines available to support you.
Domestic Abuse and Violence
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) - 0808 2000 247 - freephone confidential support for women and concerned family/friends, open 24/7
Men’s Advice Line (Respect) - 0808 801 0327 - for male survivors of domestic violence open 9am until 8pm Monday to Friday.
Mental Health Support
Samaritans - 116 123 - open 24/7 for professional support if you are feeling overwhelmed.
SHOUT - text 85258 - a free, confidential text line if you are in crisis.
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) - 0800 58 58 58 - open 5pm to midnight, particularly supportive for men in emotional crisis.
