"My Brain is Broken". Find Yourself Again Within Hormonal and Neurodivergent Storms
This week I am bringing you a series on common concerns for neurodivergent, perimenopausal women and how to compassionately support yourself through them using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy techniques.
Today, in article one, we begin with identity, and how to reconnect to yourself when you’re battling brain fog.
Navigating Identity Crisis
"Is this brain fog my ADHD, or is it perimenopause? Am I losing my mind? Who am I anymore?"
These are often questions women come to me with in clinic. The huge changes we undergo during perimenopause exacerbate ADHD and inflammation-related concerns like brain fog, chronic pain, and executive functioning challenges. It is no wonder that women feel like they don’t know who they are anymore during this time of life. When your mind feels like an unsettled sea, grasping onto a solid sense of Self can feel impossible.
We can end up questioning everything. Our jobs. Our relationships. Whether we’re parenting right. If we’re being supportive enough to our families. Why our energy levels are so unreliable.
And very often we can’t find the answers. Or the answer seem to contradict each other. Or one specialist says it’s this, and another specialist says it’s that. And we feel like we’re chasing our tails trying to make sense of it all.
Diagnoses during this time can provide some sense of why we’re feeling so discombobulated. But once the initial ‘aha’ moment has worn off, we can be left with profound grief and a deeper existential unknowing that can feel very unnerving.
The Sky and the Weather
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, (ACT) an approach I use in coaching to support clients to become more psychologically flexible, we use metaphor to help shift perspective. This isn’t to shame you, or minimise your suffering. But to free you to get better at feeling. To be with your emotions, not in them.
For a moment, I’d like you to imagine your mind as the weather. Sometimes it’s sunny, sometimes stormy, often cloudy or foggy. Now picture yourself as the sky, a vast, expansive space that holds all these changing conditions. The sky doesn’t become the storm nor the fog, it simply contains them. Whether it's a sudden thunderstorm of anxiety or a gentle drizzle of tiredness, the sky remains constant.
Your thoughts, feelings, and hormones are like the weather. They are constantly changing and fluctuating. But the sky, or your true Self, remains stable and unchanging.
It’s a rather beautiful way of looking at our experiences and emotional responses, and connecting with something bigger than that.
The Observing Self
In ACT, this concept is called Self-as-Context. It's the part of you that observes what’s happening in your inner world without being swept away by it. This observing Self is like a grounded witness, quietly taking in your experiences without judgement or confusion.
When we connect to Self, and become Self-led, we tap into an innate wisdom. We can come at our problems from a place of peaceful calm. While our emotions get all churned up, we can step back into Self and identify that we are having an emotional response to something that has happened to us.
I also like to bring in parts work techniques here. From Self, we can see our feelings and thoughts as parts of us that are rising up in protection of a wounded part of us. It helps us create a distance from these parts that can become blended with us, driving reactions and responses that aren’t always that helpful. Even though all they’re trying to do is help.
So next time your brain fog clouds your mind or emotional waves start crashing against the shore of your mind, Self-as-Context helps you step back and say, "I see these thoughts and feelings as parts of me, but I do not have to be in them, I can be with them." This subtle shift to be Self-led instead of emotion-led brings profound relief and offers a fresh, stable sense of identity.
I do believe, though, that our Self is neurodivergent if we are neurodivergent. This is why I have such an issue with neurodivergence being called a disorder, because that implies there is something wrong with us at our very core level.
Why This Perspective Matters
You are not your emotions. Brain fog, perimenopausal symptoms, anxiety, they are all elements of your lived experience, not the totality of who you are.
Thoughts and feelings are temporary visitors, not permanent residents. Watching them rather than identifying with them helps you regain control.
Observing from Self provides a reliable groundedness. This enduring identity can anchor you through uncertainty.
How to Connect with Your Observing Self
Pause and notice: When overwhelmed, stop and label what you’re experiencing, “That’s brain fog,” or “That’s anxiety,” or even “That’s a part of me that is anxious.”
Shift perspective: Imagine stepping back as the sky, allowing the fog and clouds to pass without needing to clear them.
Practice mindfulness: Regular mindfulness gently strengthen your connection to Self-as-Context. You can be more mindful even in the every day - try it when you’re out for a walk, or doing the dishes, or making a meal. Try to be really present in the moment instead of thinking about everything else you have to do.
Seek support: Somatic therapies and coaching can guide you in embodying this observing self, helping bridge mind and body.
Embracing Your Unchanging Core
In the midst of change, whether hormonal, neurological, or emotional, there is a constant observer. This core Self, your Sky, your Self-as-Context, holds your story with compassion and clarity. It allows you to embrace your experience without losing sight of your true identity.
Remember, you are not your brain fog, not your emotions, not your hormones. You are the stable ground beneath it all, ready to witness the journey with kindness and strength.
By connecting with your observing self, you reclaim your sense of "Who am I?" with a profound and lasting answer.
