Good Enough: Shifting Perfectionism and Decision Paralysis
Why is it that perimenopause and ADHD combine to bring us to a grinding halt? Perfectionism can hold us hostage, leaving us unable to move forward.
In today’s article, I wanted to explore this challenging time in life, and give you some support to gently alter course so you can still get things done, without the heaviness of perfectionism keeping you stuck.
Perimenopause brings huge changes that range from unpredictable hormonal shifts, brain fog, fatigue, chronic pain and just feeling off, that challenge even the most organised minds. For women with ADHD, these shifts compound the already complex executive dysfunction, creating a powerful intersection of difficulties.
Where we end up is between an exhausting tug of war of trying for perfection, with the all or nothing mindset. We end up frozen, stuck, and unable to do anything. You’re not flawed, you’re having a deeply human moment as you attempt to navigate overwhelming internal demands and fluctuating energy levels.
We end up looking at our to do list with horror. The tasks stack up. Even the simplest things we used to sail through feel impossible. And everything gets postponed.
And then comes the shame spiral.
Your mind tell you how useless you are. That everyone else is doing it fine. And that you are worthless, an awful person, and therefore that nobody could possibly love you.
Perimenopausal Brain Fog Meets ADHD
Both perimenopause and ADHD are associated with executive dysfunction. These are challenges with planning, organising, and focusing as access to dopamine becomes more challenging.
In an ADHD brain, dopamine neurotransmitters are already unreliable, like a countryside bus system (once a day, sometimes don’t show up at all). Add in perimenopause. Now the fluctuating availability of oestrogen that used to help us synthesis dopamine makes that bus system drop to once a week. With two buses showing up at once at unpredictable times. Or sometimes not at all.
With ADHD and perimenopause overlapping, the brain’s ability to regulate attention and energy drops further. So what do we do? So often in my clinic I see women holding themselves to impossible standards: “If I can’t do this perfectly, I won’t do it at all.”
Because the shame of it going so horribly wrong when they try has taught them it’s better not to try at all.
So they wait until those elusive, unpredictable double bus days to arrive. Do everything all at once. And then struggle with burnout. The result? Greater shame. More spiralling.
But there is another way…
Tiny Steps
We can use an approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), or as I prefer to call it, Acceptance and Commitment Coaching.
ACT is a mindset shift. It helps us shift our view of ourselves, what’s important to us, and our relationship to our Self. Combined with parts work, which helps us be more compassionate with ourselves, ACT is a powerful way to gently move the dial away from being perfect, to being perfectly imperfect.
One of the elements of ACT I love the most is that it encourages us to live a values-driven life. What I mean by this is that it allows us to accept that we are struggling and why. It helps us understand what is important to us, and identify the actions we take that move us towards the things that are important to us, or away from them.
It’s not about forcing positive thinking or pretending challenges don’t exist. Instead, it’s about acknowledging that something is challenging, and figuring out what small steps we can take to support ourself so we can continue to move towards what is important to us.
Two core components of ACT offer powerful tools for women managing perimenopausal ADHD paralysis:
1. Clarifying Values
Values are the compass that point you towards what truly matters, what is important to you, well beyond external pressure or perfectionistic parts of you demanding everything be perfect all the time. You can try asking yourself:
What qualities do I want to embody? Such as kindness, generosity, compassion, empathy, strength etc
What relationships, activities, or contributions to society or my work bring meaning to my life?
When I look back, what moments will feel worthwhile to me?
The key is to choose values that have personal meaning to you, not those imposed by societal expectations, family of origin conditioning, or fleeting moods. These are the bedrock of who you are as a human. You might end up with a list that looks like:
What is important to me:
Connection with friends
Creating beautiful art
Spending time in nature
Having a clean and ordered home
2. Taking Committed, Imperfect Action
Once your values are clear, focus shifts from achieving perfection to moving steadily, even a tiny step, towards those values. These committed actions acknowledge that the brain won’t always cooperate, but that progress matters more than perfection.
Practical examples might include:
Spending five minutes on an art project despite fatigue, because creativity is a valued part of your life. Doing just five minutes a day for a week builds up and is better than trying to carve out a whole day and getting angry and frustrated that this feels impossible.
Sending a text to reconnect with a friend you’ve not spoken to in a while when social connection matters.
Doing one household task, like loading the dishwasher, instead of trying to clean the entire kitchen when having an ordered home is important.
The goal is to build momentum through consistent, small actions. Over time, these pile up into meaningful change without triggering the shame spiral that comes from unmet perfectionism.
Practical Tips to Cultivate a "Good Enough" Life
The key here is to find what works for you. It might be a prompt somewhere along these lines, or it might look quite different for you. Curiosity is the antidote to any kind of stuck thinking or negative self-talk. It’s hard to be judgemental with yourself when you’re being genuinely curious.
Lower the bar consciously. Give yourself permission to do half a task today and come back to it tomorrow or later in the week.
Notice all-or-nothing thinking. When you catch yourself thinking “I can’t start this until I’ve bought all the equipment,” or something along those lines, gently reframe to: “What’s one small step I can take right now?”
Practice self-compassion. Perimenopause and ADHD are biological experiences, not moral failings. Treat yourself kindly as you would a friend or one of your children if you have them.
Anchor actions in values, not outcomes. We’ve all heard the phrase ‘Its about the journey not the destination’. And actually, it’s true in this instance. Taking small regular steps that are aligned to your values and not being focused on the end goal is truly helpful.
Celebrate progress, no matter how small. Each step forward is a win against paralysis. ADHD brains tend to over-simplify a task and underestimate how long it will take. If this is you, then celebrating that you recognised that, and took a small step anyway, is success.
Moving From Paralysis to Possibility
The "good enough" life is not settling for less, it’s reclaiming power from the impossible demands of perimenopausal perfectionism and ADHD paralysis. By centring your focus on what’s important to you, and embracing imperfect, committed action, you can rediscover movement amidst the fog and fatigue, and build a life that feels truly meaningful.
Remember, your worth and your success are not measured by flawless execution but by the courage to keep showing up, step by imperfect step.
