The power of no: how setting boundaries helps our health

Setting boundaries involves communicating our needs, feelings, and preferences clearly, allowing for healthier connections with others.

Find out how you can set healthy boundaries without the guilt.

Firstly, what is a boundary?

A boundary is a completely personal limit or extent that establishes what is acceptable for you and what is not in your relationships and interactions. It is not something you impose on someone else, but something you hold for yourself.

For example, a boundary is not me saying to someone: ‘you’re not allowed to speak to me that way.’ I can’t control what someone else does or does not do. But I can say ‘if you speak to me that way, then I am not going to continue this discussion until we can find a way to speak to each more respectfully.’

Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or mental, serving to protect your wellbeing and personal space. So you might find people standing too close to you uncomfortable. That would be a physical boundary, and you’d express it by stepping back from them. If they move closer again, you can then ask kindly that they move away from you.

Setting boundaries involves communicating your needs, feelings, and preferences clearly with kindness, allowing for healthier connections with others. They help us to cultivate respect and understanding, ensuring that we can express ourselves freely. But without compromising on our values or emotional safety.

Setting a boundary is essential for healthy relationships and self-respect. It involves recognising your own needs and limitations while clearly communicating them to others. This practice not only protects your emotional well-being but also helps establish mutual respect.

If you have a tendency to people-please, say yes all the time even when inside your brain is screaming no, or find you are doing tasks for people that aren’t getting reciprocated, chances are you aren’t setting boundaries. There are also some people who feel entitled to demand more from others - I like to call these energy drainers. And will get offended if you do say no. Especially if you have started out feeling obligated to say okay.

It’s can be a difficult path to tread, but healthy boundaries allow you to define what is acceptable behaviour and what is not, which is crucial in reducing stress and anxiety. When you articulate your limits, you create a safe space around yourself, enabling you to engage more genuinely in your relationships and friendships. This process can prevent feelings of overwhelm and resentment, which often come up when unspoken expectations or obligations have swamped us.

One other really important aspect of setting boundaries is that they teach others how to treat you. Setting boundaries encourages accountability and enhances open communication, which helps with those energy drainers I mentioned earlier. Imagine if you’d set that boundary at the start of the relationship with that energy drainer - this would undoubtedly contribute to a stronger, more authentic connections. Either by establishing early on that this person isn’t the right connection for you, or ensuring that boundaries are understood from the outset.

As other people learn to respect your boundaries, they are more likely to set their own, which helps to create an environment of mutual understanding in your relationship.

Sounds good, right?

How does boundary setting help with self-respect?

Prioritising self-respect through boundary-setting promotes a profound sense of self-awareness. It encourages reflection on what truly matters to you, helping you to align your actions with your values. Setting boundaries can actually make you a better person! You become more aware of how your actions impact others, and what you will and won’t accept in your relationships - with yourself and others. Ultimately, embracing boundaries is a healthy practice that nurtures personal growth and emotional resilience.

So saying no is a powerful tool for maintaining both your physical and mental health. When we say no, we establish boundaries that protect our energy and resources. This practice helps to reduce stress, as taking on too many commitments can overwhelm the nervous system and lead to chronic anxiety.

Physical benefits of boundaries

From a physical point of view, the act of intentionally saying no can prevent burnout. By prioritising our own needs and wellbeing, we can avoid the exhaustion that comes from overextending ourselves. This not only supports our energy levels but also benefits our immune system, allowing our body to function more effectively.

Imagine a scenario where you are constantly feeling like you’ve taken on too much work. You haven’t set a boundary to say no to more work, or provide realistic timelines for completing your current workload. You’re likely to be feeling deep resentment on top of exhaustion.

This doesn’t do good things to your nervous system. It can end up in a hyper vigilant state of sympathetic activation. Meaning your fight/flight/freeze is on all the time. This is not a sustainable way to live, because the nervous system is designed to be flexible, shifting through different states all the time.

Living in one state for too long affects our moods, sleep, eating habits, muscle tension, digestion, breathing rate, heart rate, hormones and more. We become physically dependent on cortisol. We get depleted in neurotransmitters and become unable to properly digest our food and get all the nutrients we need.

We become chronically sick.

Emotional benefits of boundaries

Mentally, saying no allows for a profound level of self-respect and brings a sense of autonomy. The word ‘no’ encourages you to recognise your own limits, which can significantly enhance self-esteem and confidence. Clearing the mental clutter of unwanted obligations allows for greater focus on personal goals and interests, which in turn cultivates a healthier mindset.

There is nothing more freeing and enabling of self-growth than holding a boundary. I was once in a situation where someone I really respected repeatedly violated me emotionally. The first couple of times it happened I was so shocked it was happening I found myself grovelling for forgiveness. It was a horrible feeling that was more violating than the original hurt.

When the same thing happened again I began to realise it wasn’t me that was at fault. I had done nothing wrong. I exerted my boundaries that I should have set in the first place. And eventually walked away from that relationship because my boundaries were violated again and again. That is the ultimate stage of holding a boundary; being prepared to leave a situation or relationship. Because you can’t change other people.

Understanding that it is acceptable to decline requests can reduce feelings of guilt or anxiety that often accompany the decision to prioritise yourself. Over time, this practice of asserting our boundaries can lead to improved emotional regulation and resilience, contributing to a more balanced and fulfilling life.

My decision to walk away from that toxic situation was the best decision I ever made. I felt the calmest and most centred I’d ever felt.

Why is setting a boundary so hard?

My view is that we just aren’t used to doing this. We don’t get taught this in school. Our parents didn’t tell us how to do it. We didn’t observe it happening in others in a healthy and sustainable way.

It is becoming more normalised as boundary setting becomes part of our languages and cultures. But because of the lack of true understanding of what a boundary is and how to set them, it is still open to abuse by some people who actually want to control the actions of others. And for misinterpretation, guilt, and feelings of hurt.

A lot of us are actually conditioned to have weak boundaries. If you find yourself doing things for other people that make you angry and resentful, then chances are your boundaries are being stepped on. You may not have made these boundaries clear upfront, feeling like you are obligated to help someone or do what they say. This can be particularly true when dealing with figures of authority like teachers, parents, and adults when we are younger. And can bleed into our adult relationships.

In short, the positive impact of saying no on our physical and mental health is profound. It empowers us to reclaim our autonomy, prevent overload, and nurture a healthier relationship with ourselves and others.

Embracing the ability to say no can truly transform our daily lives for the better.

Steps to Setting a Healthy Boundary

Here is a short guide to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. But if you need further help, why not book a free consultation with me, and we can see how I can help you with this important part of your life?

1. Identify Your Needs
   Reflect on what you need in a given situation. Consider your emotional, physical, and mental limits. Understanding your needs is the foundation for establishing effective boundaries.

2. Be Clear and Specific
   Articulate your boundaries clearly. Vague statements can lead to misunderstandings. Specify what behaviour you find acceptable and what you do not. This goes for physical boundaries as well as emotional ones.

3. Communicate Without Blame
   Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without placing blame. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when..." rather than "You always make me feel..."

4. Stay Calm and Composed
   Approach the conversation in a calm manner. Maintaining a composed tone will help ensure your message is received positively and reduces the likelihood of defensiveness from the other party. I find doing a grounding exercise before you start the discussion is super helpful to get into your Self energy. As well as writing down a few thoughts first.

5. Be Prepared for Reactions
   Understand that not everyone will respond positively. Some may push back or not respect your boundaries initially. Stay firm and reiterate your position if necessary. It’s also helpful to think about what possible reactions you may receive. This helps you prepare for most eventualities.

6. Hold Your Truth
   Make it clear what the implications will be if your boundaries aren’t respected. This doesn’t have to be a horrible consequence, it just means that you will leave a conversation and will come back to it later when everyone is calm for example. This helps the other person understand the seriousness of your needs and gives you both time to regroup.

7. Practice Self-Care
   After setting boundaries, take time for self-care. Protecting your emotional wellbeing is crucial, especially if the conversation was challenging. Check out my journal entry on self-care rituals for some ideas on self-care.

8. Reassess and Adjust as Needed
   Boundaries may need to be adjusted based on the effectiveness of your communication and changing circumstances. Regularly reassess your boundaries and adapt them as needed. Life changes. Things change. You evolve throughout your life. Nothing needs to stay static. And if someone is behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable, anxious, stressed, or any other kind of emotion, then put a boundary in place that keeps you safe.

9. Seek Support if Needed
   If you find it difficult to set or maintain boundaries, consider seeking support from me - I specialise in providing guidance that provides strategies and encouragement through life coaching.

By following these steps, you can establish healthier relationships and promote your own wellbeing. It isn’t selfish or self-centred to want to prioritise your own wellbeing.

Much love

Claire x