Shame - The Worst of All Emotions?
I wanted to get into shame in more depth because in my view and interpretation of what goes on in relationships, shame is at the root of so much relational pain.
It’s deeply connected to our sense of self, our values, how we see ourselves, our world view. And it is often at the root of abusive behaviour and highly volatile and reactive interactions between people.
Read on to find out more about what shame is, why we even have shame as an emotion, and how to get a little more comfortable with the discomfort of shame.
Shame makes us feel utterly awful. Bereft. Alone. Rejected. And for some people, those feelings are so horrific, they are driven to shout, scream, and hurt their loved ones. Or themselves.
Shame can also make us extremely depressed and deeply sad. A shamed person will often be very closed in on themselves. There is a physical attempt to hide, break eye contact, and disconnect.
But shame is really a very strong messenger. It is connected deeply to our sense of community and belonging. And when we feel it, we truly want the earth to swallow us.
Shame is a complex and intense emotion that can arise when we feel like we have violated our own moral or social standards, leading to a deep sense of inadequacy or unworthiness.
It evolved as an emotion related to fitting in. It is a deeply visceral emotion, capable of flooring us. Some of us will do anything not to feel it. When we feel shame, we are actually feeling the profound fear or being rejected by our tribe. In our ancestral history, rejection from the tribe meant certain death. We need to be in community to survive.
And while that may not exactly be the same now as it was in ancient history, our evolutionary instincts still hold sway. Interpreting shame involves understanding its various dimensions and the impact it has on us.
Here are a few ways to interpret shame compassionately and with curiosity:
1. Shame as a Self-Perception of Inadequacy
Interpretation: Shame often leads to feelings that we are not just bad for what we've done but that we, as a person, are inherently flawed or unworthy. It can make us feel like we don't measure up or that we’re not good enough.
Example: If someone makes a mistake at work and feels ashamed, they might not just feel regret about the mistake but might also start thinking "I’m a failure" or "I’m incompetent."
2. Shame as a Social Emotion
Interpretation: Shame often stems from a perceived judgment by others or the fear of being rejected or criticised. It can arise when we feel exposed, vulnerable, or inadequate in the eyes of others.
Example: If a person feels awkward in a social situation and gets embarrassed or ashamed, they might fear that others are judging them negatively, leading to withdrawal or discomfort.
3. Shame as a Protective Mechanism
Interpretation: In some cases, shame can act as a protective mechanism. It can motivate us to correct or avoid repeating actions that could damage our reputation or relationships.
Example: A person who feels ashamed after cheating in a relationship might feel motivated to apologise, change their behavior, or take responsibility for their actions.
4. Shame vs Guilt
Interpretation: Shame is often confused with guilt, but they differ. Guilt is the feeling of regret about a specific action ("I did something wrong"), whereas shame is more about feeling wrong as a person ("I am wrong"). While guilt encourages corrective action, shame can lead to avoidance or withdrawal.
Example: If someone forgets a friend’s birthday, they may feel guilty because they let the person down. If they feel ashamed, however, they may believe they are a bad friend, potentially causing them to distance themselves from the friend rather than make amends.
5. Shame as an Internalised Standard
Interpretation: Often, shame reflects internalised societal, cultural, or familial standards that define what is acceptable or valuable. When we fall short of these expectations, we can feel deeply ashamed.
Example: A person who grew up in a culture that values academic success may feel intense shame if they do not meet those standards, even if their personal goals or talents lie elsewhere.
6. Shame and Vulnerability
Interpretation: Shame can be tied to vulnerability, especially when we feel exposed or fear that our weaknesses or mistakes will be seen by others. The fear of being seen as less than or inadequate often exacerbates the feeling of shame.
Example: A person who struggles with mental health may feel ashamed due to social stigma, fearing that others will see them as weak or not in control.
7. Shame as a Barrier to Connection
Interpretation: Because shame often involves a feeling of isolation or disconnection from others, it can create a barrier to forming healthy, open relationships. We might withdraw or hide parts of ourselves that we fear will lead to shame.
Example: Someone who has been shamed for their appearance or personality traits might avoid social situations or intimacy, believing that their true self is unacceptable.
8. Shame as a Catalyst for Growth
Interpretation: While shame can be painful, it can also be a source of growth and transformation when we process it constructively. It may push us to look compassionately at our challenges and make changes, leading to personal development or healthier relationships.
Example: Someone who feels shame after acting out of anger might reflect on why they acted that way, learn to regulate their emotions, and strive for better communication in the future.
How to Cope with Shame:
Self-Compassion: Rather than internalising the shame and believing we are inherently bad, practicing self-compassion can help us separate a mistake from our identity.
Seeking Support: Talking to trusted friends, coaches, or family members can help release the burden of shame and provide perspective, as they offer understanding.
Reframing the Experience: Viewing the situation as an opportunity for learning and growth can help reduce the grip of shame and turn the experience into a more constructive one.
Self-Acceptance: Self-acceptance is so important with shame. Acknowledging mistakes, learning from them, and accepting ourselves as whole, imperfect, beautiful humans can be a powerful way to overcome the isolation of shame.
Shame is a multifaceted emotion that can influence our behaviour, relationships, and self-perception. Understanding and addressing it with compassion and awareness can help us navigate it in a healthier way.
We will talk about and gently explore shame and other emotions and life experiences in my gorgeous Harmony Healing Women’s Group. We meet on the second Saturday of every month in the beautiful Threee Rooms in Buckden. You can find out all the information here. If you are interested drop me an email.
