Your Brain on Toxic Love. The Chemistry of the Chase.

There is a Biochemical Cocktail Behind Addictive Relationships, Which is Why Leaving Feels Impossible

Many women find themselves tangled in relationships that feel utterly addictive while being completely unfulfilling. These relationships tend to be full of turbulence and pain, interspersed with moments of intense closeness that feel like genuine connection. Then the cycle repeats itself. Over and over again.

It’s natural to blame yourself for staying or to feel weak for not leaving.

But what if this wasn’t a character flaw? Instead, it’s a completely predictable neurological response shaped by powerful biochemistry in the brain and body.

First, let’s take a look at brain chemistry, hormones, and the stress-relief loop.

Dopamine and Intermittent Reinforcement

At the heart of this addictive pattern is dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to reward and motivation. When affection and approval from a partner arrive inconsistently - sometimes warm and attentive, sometimes cold or withdrawing - it mimics the random reward schedules found in gambling slot machines. This is known as intermittent reinforcement. Yes, you read that correctly. These kinds of emotional rollercoaster type relationships are just as addictive as slot machines. Hitting the same buttons and causing the same reward-seeking parts of us to rise up and keep us engaged.

Each uncertain moment of potential affection triggers a dopamine release, fuelling anticipation and the urge to seek more. The unpredictability hooks the brain into a looping cycle of hope and disappointment. The chase becomes an addiction in itself, as the brain craves the next ‘win’ of affection or connection.

This part of us keeps us there because the disappointment of losing is so awful. But the excitement of winning feels so good.

Oxytocin, the Hormone of Connection

Oxytocin, often called the bonding hormone, is released during moments of closeness, like physical touch, shared vulnerability, or emotional intimacy. Even if these moments are fleeting or inconsistent, oxytocin creates a profound feeling of attachment and trust.

In these relationships, oxytocin acts like bait. The brief experiences of warmth and closeness feel deeply soothing and bonding, making it extremely difficult to disentangle emotionally, even when the overall relationship pattern is painful and inconsistent.

Cortisol and Trauma Bonds: The Stress-Relief Loop

The lows in these relationships produce stress responses from elevated cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone. Chronic cycles of stress followed by moments of relief forge a complex ‘trauma bond’. You might’ve seen on social media that a trauma bond is where two people bond over their shared traumatic experiences or childhood. That is incorrect.

A trauma bond is based in the nervous system and is related to fluctuating cues of safety and danger. Our nervous system confuses genuine deep connection because it is constantly receiving messages from your partner that you are one moment in danger, and one moment in safety. The nervous system craves the moments of safety, causing parts of you downplay or justify the moments of intense danger.

The intensity of stress paired with relief amplifies emotional dependence, making the relationship feel impossible to leave.

Compassion and Empowerment

So looking at the addictive power of toxic relationships as a personal weakness, understanding that there are brain chemistry, hormones, and parts at play that are keeping you stuck. This shifts the narrative from one of self-blame to one of compassion and empowerment.

Healing requires learning to regulate the nervous system, recognising these patterns, and rewiring the brain’s response through somatic awareness and therapeutic tools such as parts work.

When we look at toxic relationship patterns through this lens, we can start to find the end of the ball of string. This can lead us to answers to help us move forwards.

We can stop being stuck making the same choices and chasing the same relationship dynamics. We have the power to move away from what always feels awful within relationships. Or hopping from person to person never experiencing true connection.

At Somatic Harmony Healing, I work with dozens of women to guide them to heal these trauma bonds by connecting mind and body. Helping them breaking free from addictive cycles and finding genuine connection from a place of safety and inner balance.

If you’re ready to change the relationships you’re experiencing, then book a free 30 minute consultation to find out how.